At the present time

As I write this, I am sitting on a rooftop enjoying a glass of red. I’m on doctor prescribed mental health leave after my third failed IVF cycle. As nice as it is to be able to tuck into my first red wine in a month, it’s a poor substitute for a little red cluster of foetal cells living in my uterus.

My wife and I have being trying to make a baby for a year now. In that year, we’ve fitted in: lots of bureaucratic  hoop jumping, waiting unnecessarily for sperm, and, finally, 3 cycles of IVF which resulted in 2 embryos and 0 pregnancies (chemical or otherwise). We have spent 10 times what our wedding cost on a whole heap of pain and heart ache.

My wife and I met in 2013 and got engaged in 2014 (couldn’t resist – classic lesbians). We hung out until 2016 for our wedding, hoping that Australian law would change and we’d be able to get married on the day (nope – classic conservative Australians). One day we’ll get married and it will be great. Until then, I’ll continue to complain loudly and frequently about the issue. There’ll be a post on that topic, I guarantee.

I finished my PhD a month before our wedding and if I had have got any of the post-doc jobs I applied for, we would not be trying for kids. Luckily I suppose, I didn’t and we started ttc 4 months later. Luckily, because I’ve been told I probably won’t be able to have children after 30. Lucky I got to start now. Lucky, I guess. My wife and I are now 28. Tick tock.

At the present time, we are preparing to try again with the pregnancy thing but after 3 failed IVFs, I am loosing confidence that I will ever be able to make a baby. I really want to be pregnant and I really want a biological child. My wife doesn’t want either of those things. This is inconvenient because it is becoming increasingly likely that she’ll have to do this for us. I am worried that if this happens, I will be jealous of her. Jealous of her getting fat and being tired and uncomfortable and all that pregnancy stuff. Disappointed with myself for not being able to do this for us and I am terrified that I won’t feel a connection with a child that hasn’t come from me.

At the present time, I’m wondering if I’m not socially and medically infertile because I’m just really not supposed to have a kid. My wife is wondering whether it’s happening because she’s a bad person. (My wife is so bloody nice she’d put Mother Theresa to shame, so I doubt this is the issue). I told her it was probably because a bunch of militant homophobes prayed for it. She told me not to make fun of her. I wasn’t making fun of her though. It was something I was thinking myself.

Making babies sure makes you crazy.


2 thoughts on “At the present time

  1. littlerainbowbug July 21, 2017 / 6:22 pm

    Just found your blog on my once-yearly lesbian ttc/parenting blog searches. Welcome to the world of blogging! Sorry to hear it has been such a trial for you to carry. We never go into it expecting it to be difficult, after being told for years how NOT to get pregnant (not that it’s relevant to us, but it sure makes it seem like if you look at sperm, you’ll have a baby…). Anyway, just wanted to say hello!


  2. cluckydykes July 27, 2017 / 8:08 am

    Thank you. I am pretty clueless when it comes to blogging but I’m sure that will improve.
    Thanks for saying hi 🙂


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