The surgery started at 12.15pm so, when I woke up at 3.15pm, I FELT LIKE I’D WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY! Whatever had happened, it was not nothing!
All that the recovery nurses could tell me was that it went well and that I would definitely be spending the night in hospital. Doctor #3 had left by then but he had called my mother and my wife to let them know what had happened. Hence, my mother was able to fill me in a few hours later. Apparently, there is nothing wrong with any of my organs. Ovaries, uterus, fallopian tubes are all textbook perfect. It took 2 hours to ‘peel’ (direct quote) off all the endometriosis.
I didn’t cry then but, later, when I was alone, I did.
I had to go through all this to be diagnosed with something as common and well known as endometriosis. 2 years of being told that there’s nothing wrong with me, and then to just do another IVF cycle, and then that my eggs were just too bad to ever have a baby. Two years and two IVF clinics and 3 fertility specialists before anyone suggested to me that I might have endometriosis.
I don’t care if I never have kids. There’s no guarantee that this is the solution and, I feel that I have finally resigned myself to infertility. But, at least I know it wasn’t all my fault. I did all I could. I went to doctors, I listened to them, I did what they said. I did useless IVF again and again and again. I destroyed my life doing it.
If only someone could have said to me, ‘maybe you have endometriosis.’
If only I knew that endo is not just a disease of people with heavy problematic periods and intense pain every month. What if one of those doctors had told me that people with short, painless periods like myself might also have bad endometriosis?
I don’t really care what happens now. I might care later, maybe. For now, I am simply glad to know that it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t all my fault that I could never make any babies.
I feel relieved to finally know and comforted to be free of some of the crushing guilt.
I guess it was worth it?